A guided reflective exercise contrasting how participants speak to friends versus themselves, building self-kindness awareness rooted in Kristin Neff’s self-compassion framework for counsellors and clients.
Target group:
Career counsellors, helping professionals, and clients.
Duration:
Approximately 20 minutes.
Inspiration for the tool:
This activity is inspired by the work of Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion and adapted from the exercises published at self-compassion.org. It connects the concept of self-compassion with overall well-being, showing how kindness toward oneself can improve emotional balance, resilience, and motivation.
Self-compassion, as described by Dr. Kristin Neff (2003), is the practice of treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and care in moments of failure or difficulty — just as one would treat a close friend. It has three components: self-kindness (being gentle rather than judgmental with oneself), common humanity (recognising that everyone makes mistakes and suffers), and mindfulness (observing one’s emotions without over-identifying with them).
From a psychological perspective, self-compassion activates the body’s soothing system, reducing cortisol and stress responses while increasing emotional stability and motivation. Unlike self-esteem, which depends on success or comparison, self-compassion offers a more stable foundation for well-being, resilience, and healthy relationships — especially in helping professions where empathy for others must begin with empathy for oneself.
Objectives:
By the end of this activity, participants will be able to:
- Understand the role of self-compassion in personal and professional well-being.
- Recognise the difference between self-criticism and self-kindness.
- Practise a simple reflective exercise to strengthen their self-compassion.
- Explore how this awareness can be used in helping relationships with clients or colleagues.
Resources needed:
- Quiet and comfortable space for sitting in a circle (for groups).
- Paper and pens.
Activities:
- Framing the activity:
Introduce the exercise within the context of well-being (see section Other Related Concepts). Explain that self-compassion means treating oneself with the same care and understanding one would offer to a good friend. - Introduction to the theme:
Many of us set very high standards for ourselves. When we fail to meet them, we often react with self-criticism or harsh inner dialogue. This exercise helps us become aware of that voice and practise responding with more kindness and understanding. - Guided reflection:
Invite participants to go through the following steps slowly, allowing a few moments after each:- Think of a situation when someone close to you failed or made a mistake. How did you talk to them? What words or tone did you use? Write it down.
- Now think of a situation when you failed or made a mistake. What did you think or say to yourself? What was your tone of voice? Write it down.
- Notice the difference between the two. Why might that difference exist?
- Imagine what your close friend who truly cares for you would say in that situation.
- Write down what it would sound like if you spoke to yourself the same way you would speak to a loved one. If you feel comfortable, try saying it aloud, paying attention not only to the words but also to the tone of voice.
Reflections / Consolidation of learning:
Questions for group or individual reflection:
- Did you notice a difference between how you talk to a friend and how you talk to yourself?
- What was the tone or feeling behind your self-talk in each case?
- Was it easy or difficult to find kind words for yourself?
- What insight are you taking away from this exercise?
- (For helping professionals) How might you use this activity with a client?
Recommendations / Trainer’s notes:
- Allow enough time for emotional processing; strong emotions may arise.
- Approach the exercise and reflection with great sensitivity and gentleness.
- Choose an appropriate moment and atmosphere for this activity.
- Emphasise that self-compassion is not self-pity or indulgence—it is an active form of care that enhances resilience and motivation.
- When working with helping professionals, link the exercise to preventing compassion fatigue and sustaining well-being in caring roles.
Contact:
Katarína Štukovská, katarina.stukovska(at)gmail.com
The publication is available here: https://www.euroguidance.sk/document/publikacie/47.pdf